If you have never loved or been loved you won’t understand or relate that well to what I am going to share. If you have then maybe you might understand the way I feel or not. And maybe you have felt this way before or maybe not. It was almost 10 years I loved and do love this person. I never knew the side of her that I am left to remember.
The pain is so deep it cuts into your very being. Leaving scars that will last, long after the pain. When more time is spent on the person you love than you would ever spend on yourself. Even if they would never give you the same sacrifice, and could care less what your time is spent on. No matter what you will always believe there is hope. And you despise yourself for it. When your Heart has been ripped out, and ignored, yet still can't let go, and when you would do anything for her your one and only love... Even if it means that they hurt you, as she did, cheated on you, as she did lied in court about you and everything as she did. and then broke into you accounts even took everything you had and all the time was living a life that I believed was true and a dream. When you try to find a new way to hate them. Because then at least it wouldn't hurt so much. And when everything is out of your control, you can't say you love them, and to you that hurts'. Because you have for her, the strongest love anyone could ever have. What can you do but cry and feel your heart drop...and be miserable and lonely. Never anything to smile about or laugh or hold in your arms so then you just try to live some kind of life, moving forward little by little with no drive or motivation, well maybe if you dive into work 24/7. But even then every hour on the hour a thought comes into your mind and reality is back. You sleep at night maybe and awake reaching or checking to see if there just because your mind is thinking one thing, yet your heart feels only one thing and thy go round and round.
The hardest part is when you realize that you can never, ever have them...again...because they feel that way and did what you never even would have joked about or even enter your mind. You can’t even tell them how you feel. Then when you have finally hit the lowest of lows. And no one can bring you up and anyone who could and would, will never be there or even cares. When, you care so much about that person that you forget about everything else completely, even your health and everyone else around you. When you sit and write something like this crying to yourself, and wondering why you are so pathetic. When you can't sleep at night because when you close your eyes, they are standing there to remind you that you are alone. When you feel all these feelings, but are too afraid to tell them, because you're scared they might not care or really does anybody care. And the truth is they probably don't, no they don't at all...When you feel their presence everywhere. But you don't want to because it's just another reminder of how far away they are. When the pain is so great, you feel that giving up altogether is the only choice, when really you have so much to live for at least that's what you try to believe. When, they have told you that they don't love you. And you would do anything to say those same words...and mean it. But the only words that you can say are: I love you, and no matter what happens, I will still more than love you and I still think of you all the time. I know it means nothing to you, but you mean everything to me and always will.
Please if anyone ever falls in love with you and feels this strongly. Don't shrug it off like it is nothing, I'm not asking you to love them back, I'm just asking you to care, and if anyone ever falls in love with someone this strongly and they don't love you the same way, hold on to every last bit of sanity you have. Don't let it completely ruin who you are. You are a wonderful person and you can make it through anything just like we did for a while. I hope at least, that's what I've been told but I don't have it in me anymore, not to even to try...All I have is this empty feeling and it won’t go away....it won’t go away....I believed for almost 10 years I had the perfect women who I would and still would do anything for. But when you sit down at your computer and you see the pictures of her and you and you smile for a moment. That photo means more to me than life. When someone tells you they love you almost every day for nearly 10 years and your only apart for a couple months and they move on and start having overnight guest, when you cant even sleep. What would you feel? Well I cant say anything or really even want to think about it? She never held back when we started seeing each other. I think on our first date we were out for an hour or two before we jumped into the sack, so what should I expect a whole lot more than this. That's what I thought, but people do what they do and all we can do is sit by and watch.
But all this it means nothing really. Its not in anyway apart of my life I shared with her and never will be in anyway, and the thing is when you love a person no matter what they do or go through or how much they may change and hurt you in different ways. They are still the person you love they just are going through a time that won’t last forever and in your heart there still everything you love. You just keep loving them and looking back remembering what and who you fell in love with. I mean that first thing that pulled you in.
So maybe you went through things that hurt or caused you to act out or did things out of character. Even if you love them with all your heart this hurts and takes things to a new level and healing must take place. And then what it all comes down to is, you love them and nothing will ever change that and you would give anything for one more moment with them and to say I love you and nothing more. Just looking into there eyes like you did all those years before. Everybody hurts somebody one time or another. But the world keeps on spinning. So this empty feeling it’s never going to go away because it’s not really empty it is the place were all the love you have and I mean I have for her. I carry around for her, the one I promised to be with forever and ever...Love is the only thing in all true people that never goes away or changes, love is love....And I more than love her. So empty feeling you’re not so empty anymore are you and today is just today… But tomorrow I get ready for my new job and I prepare my self for any questions that could break me down.
You know I more than love you and I am here for you, forever no matter what!
But all this it means nothing really. Its not in anyway apart of my life I shared with her and never will be in anyway, and the thing is when you love a person no matter what they do or go through or how much they may change and hurt you in different ways. They are still the person you love they just are going through a time that won’t last forever and in your heart there still everything you love. You just keep loving them and looking back remembering what and who you fell in love with. I mean that first thing that pulled you in.
So maybe you went through things that hurt or caused you to act out or did things out of character. Even if you love them with all your heart this hurts and takes things to a new level and healing must take place. And then what it all comes down to is, you love them and nothing will ever change that and you would give anything for one more moment with them and to say I love you and nothing more. Just looking into there eyes like you did all those years before. Everybody hurts somebody one time or another. But the world keeps on spinning. So this empty feeling it’s never going to go away because it’s not really empty it is the place were all the love you have and I mean I have for her. I carry around for her, the one I promised to be with forever and ever...Love is the only thing in all true people that never goes away or changes, love is love....And I more than love her. So empty feeling you’re not so empty anymore are you and today is just today… But tomorrow I get ready for my new job and I prepare my self for any questions that could break me down.
You know I more than love you and I am here for you, forever no matter what!
